


Lonely Isn't Just Alone

by litravn



Category: ONEUS (Band)
Genre: Absent Parents, Family Loss, Grief/Mourning, Loneliness, Psychological Trauma, Rich - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:34:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28396986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/litravn/pseuds/litravn
Summary: Loneliness. Keonhee has felt it all too well, from birth to today; loneliness weighs heavy on his heart and mind. Household staff mingle around him all day long, but it wasn't until Pa showed up that he ever felt any sense of belonging inside the oversized estate. But perhaps it wasn't until the loneliness appeared again that he realized how driving of a force it can prove to be.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3
Collections: Sides of the Moon stories





	Lonely Isn't Just Alone

**Author's Note:**

> TW !! // Loss , Fear , Loneliness , Depression , Mourning , Implied Abuse

Lee Keonhee has experienced loneliness from the very moment he was born. His parents worked every day as very  _ busy  _ business people. They often took separate business trips for weeks on end, one after another, or spent their nights in the office of their behemoth of a building. In Keonhee’s entire life, he can only recall 5 nights at most where his parents spent a full night in their family home. 

His mother was a very beautiful woman; kind but driven. She began her career as a mere receptionist at her father's company, before eventually working her way up to his assistant. As they fell in love, she gained interest in the company and was granted a higher position within it. His father, a stout and once bubbly man, had fallen for Keonhee’s mother at first sight. After just a few months, they quickly married and bought an expensively grand estate in the hills; following each other's best interest to build a business empire within Seoul, South Korea. 

However, once Keonhee’s mother fell pregnant, many business plans had been halted so she could receive the adequate care and rest during her pregnancy. She was never the kind of woman to rest willingly. She began to feel restless and irritated with the idea of being forced to rest when there were so many important business deals to be dealt with. She began to resent being pregnant, calling it a waste of time. Her husband however, paid little to no attention to the ordeal; he continued his business as if he wasn’t soon to be a father. 

Once Keonhee had finally been born, just weeks later, his mother too returned to work. Despite the doctor's wishes for her to continue to rest after the stress of childbirth, the threat of firing the family doctor was enough for the doctor to promptly write her a perfect bill of health to return to work earlier than any  _ normal  _ woman would find physically possible. 

Keonhee wasn’t sure who named him, if it was his mother, his father, or the wet nurse who held him the day he was born. He was raised by his wet nurses and the many staff members of his household. He only saw his parents a few days out of the year and sometimes not at all. 

The only family member Keonhee knew and felt comfortable with, was his grandfather. 

_ Keonhee, a six year old boy, peered over the shoulder of one of the butlers who answered the doorbell. Keonhee hadn’t heard the doorbell often as no one visited his family’s home. He cautiously peered on his tippy toes on the grand stairwell made of granite in front of the door. There stood an old man with what looked like freshly dyed black hair--possibly to hide a number of grey hairs--and a large tan overcoat. Despite the man looking old, he seemed very fit for a man of his age.  _

_ The butler stood at the door for a short while, assessing just who was behind the door before allowing the old man to enter. Once the old man entered and noticed the six year old on the pristinely polished granite steps, his worn eyes crinkled in glee. The man had apparently been a trill seeker. From the Eiffel Tower to the Taj Mahal, he had spent the last 10 years traveling just to see it all. He had no knowledge that his son had even married, let alone had a child. So when the old man knocked on the door looking for his son and finding a boy of just six standing on the steps instead, it was a thrill he’d never experienced before.  _

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Keonhee, my boy,” said his grandfather as he walked into the family room of the home. The home was far bigger than anybody needed, nor could even use, especially since Keonhee was the only one who really inhabited the home. How much space did an eight year old boy really need? 

Keonhee’s grandfather, ‘Pa’ as he’s since called him, frequently visited. He often brought Keonhee a toy or two, or read him a book. Keonhee never mentioned that he already had a room within the home filled to the brim with every toy a child could imagine as his wet nurses tried their hardest to keep Keonhee happy in his parent absence. He liked his grandfather's toys and comfort more than anything money could ever give him. When Pa came over, they’d spend nearly an entire day together before Pa had to leave. Keonhee didn’t know exactly where Pa goes when he leaves, but he is elated knowing that he’d always return just a few days later. 

“Pa! You’re back.” Eight year old Keonhee slipped off the genuine leather sofa couch of the family room before running to hug Pa’s legs. Pa laughed and groaned as he reached down, picking up Keonhee and resting him on his frail hip. Pa was getting older, as an old man of nearly seventy eight, he was quickly losing the strength he once held. However, money has proved to do wonders for the elderly, as he was still able to pick up the eight year old at this point. 

“Keonhee-ah, how about we go to Han River today? God knows you've never been there, my damn son hasn’t shown you anything has he?” Pa’s voice got gruff at the end. It was obvious he held a deep grudge towards his son’s family dynamic being lackluster to say the least. 

The family chauffeur drove Pa and Keonhee to Han River, a good thirty to forty-five minute drive from the family home. Keonhee has left home before, but not often. Geography is a part of his high class education (which consisted of a teacher hired to visit his home daily for a few hours before assigning homework and promptly leaving), so he understood what was held within the world, he just didn't know what most things would look like with his own two little eyes. So as they drove through the bustling city, he had his head rested against the tinted glass of the luxury automobile, staring at the world passing by his eyes. Every once in a while they’d pass something that’d catch his interest--like a line of people outside a seemingly popular brunch restaurant--he’d follow it with his eyes as it disappeared past him. 

Soon enough though, the car slowed to a stop at the curb of a grassy area. Keonhee looked just over the grass to see a body of water, and a long bridge piled with lunch time traffic beside it. To Keonhee, it all looked fascinatingly beautiful. 

Once Pa helped Keonhee out of the backseat of the car, Keonhee’s eyes lit up. There were a lot of people occupying the park. People walked along the waterfront, biking, jogging, conversing; there were even more people crowding the grass in picnics or rest parties with friends and family. Children were playing together under a tree providing shade, their laughter wafting through the air and filling Keonhee’s ears. This was the most alive Keonhee has ever seen the world be, an enormous contrast from the dimly lit and sparsely occupied atmosphere of his home. Keonhee couldn’t help but begin to think he really did live as the embodiment of the word lonely, a word he ironically only just obtained to his vocabulary recently.

“You like it? Let’s go get some food.” Pa ushered Keonhee in the direction of a small store nestled at the waterfront. When they entered, Keonhee took notice of the rows of shelves containing snacks and foods he’s never heard of before. As he looked past it all, he saw the walls of the back of the store were glass doored fridges containing every drink he could possibly think of, and some he’s never heard of before. But considering how he saw only adults occupy the area of those bland looking glass bottles and shiny cans, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what they were, let alone tasted of. 

Keonhee had never seen a convenience store before. His nanny growing up had always done the home shopping and he was never allowed to tag along. Last year, just a few months after his seventh birthday, Keonhee grew interested in accompanying his nanny to the store, but his father had denied the request once his nanny asked for permission to bring the boy. His father seemed to always have to approve of every breath Keonhee took in his life, that was until Pa came along to take him the secret expeditions.

Keonhee was too preoccupied taking in the foreign environment to notice his Pa had moved to a corner of the store, unwrapping two bowls of what he called ‘ramen’ before placing them under a machine. Keonhee approached, watching as hot water was dispensed into the bowls. He hadn’t seen anything like it before. The ramen nor the machinery. Keonhee was only allowed to eat gourmet meals prepared by his father’s five-star michellin chef. Otherwise the only ‘junk food’ Keonhee had tasted was the little chocolates his nanny gave him from the bottom of her purse once in a while as she told him to “Keep it a secret.” 

Keonhee’s day spent with Pa at Han River was one that Keonhee would never forget. They ate ramen before walking along the waterfront. The humid air tickling at Keonhee’s nose, the breeze wizzing past his little fingertips. It was one of the happiest days Keonhee had ever experienced. For once, he felt less alone.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_ Pa had taken Keonhee to Han River for maybe the one hundered-th time. The now thirteen year old boy had yet to grow tired of the park, often considering it his and Pa’s ‘go-to spot’. They’d picked up some sort of ‘ritual’ as they often called it. First, they’d go to the convenience store and eat a bowl of ramen, conversing about anything new they’d seen or heard that week. Then, they’d walk the waterfront for at least an hour. Sometimes in a comfortable silence, but often they’d joke about with one another. As Keonhee grew older, he’d begun to fully understand and appreciate the jokes Pa would throw his way. Chuckling at the gringy or outdated humour, and cackling at the more modern ones that he could understand with his little knowledge of the world. However, as Keonhee grew older, as did Pa. Pa, a once abled old man who seeked thrill and found enjoyment in giving Keonhee piggy-back rides, was now a much frailer eighty-three year old man. Pa would now often have to take a break in the grass after their walk along the waterfront. He’d breathe heavily, wheezing. It scared Keonhee the first few times, but as time went on he became used to the sight. Pa would often joke that Keonhee got too tall for him to keep up with, resulting in him “running a marathon to keep up”. Pa would laugh it off, his wrinkled eyes lifting into a half moon smile.  _

_ This time, as they went to Han River, they decided to go at night. Pa said it was more beautiful to see the city lights at night as they reflected off the river. Keonhee was glad he was able to join--not that Pa would allow anyone to say no, especially paying ignorance to Keonhee’s father’s wishes--as he sat beside him on the familiar bench facing the waterfront. They had sat in a comfortable silence, intaking the beauty of the night. Keonhee looked over to Pa, wanting to say something about the ripples of the river distorting the view in a fascinating way, before he noticed Pa looking up. Keonhee joined Pa’s line of sight to see a full moon, shining brightly in the sky above the skyscrapers of Seoul. Keonhee couldn’t help but wonder to himself, were his parents working in those skyscrapers looking up to the same moon? Did they wonder if Keonhee was growing up well? He began to feel the familiar tingle of his most felt emotion, loneliness.  _

_ Pa’s soothing voice broke the now troublesome silence as they watched the moon together, “You know, when your father was just a boy, I used to bring him here too. It was a different time back then of course, it was all different.” Pa paused for a moment, probably thinking of when times were simpler; when his son had an ounce of humanity in his heart. “But the moon looks just as it did forty years ago. And even one hundered years before that.” Keonhee didn’t say anything and just continued to watch the moon. He wondered what he meant by the moon staying the same, when the moon would be only a crescent by tomorrow night. But, he didn’t want to interrupt the old man so he left it to dwindle on his mind.  _

Keonhee now stood as a tall seventeen year old boy, or a man as he’d like to believe he was. He was sitting in the family room, as he usually did when he was waiting for Pa to arrive. The floral and once brand new genuine leather sofa couch was now nearing twenty years old in age, though the household staff kept it all in immaculate condition. Keonhee was trapped in his thoughts, just yesterday the butler, an older man who he’s known his entire life, had approached him to inform his parents would be arriving for a “family dinner” in just the following evening. Keonhee’s mind reeled at the possibilities of why, why now, his parents were interested in utilizing the dining room table. In his seventeen years, Keonhee had never shared a meal with his parents. Even in the rarest moment of his parents spending a night at home, they’d never interact much. Passing each other in the halls was enough “family interaction” to his parents he assumed. It never occurred to him his parents would even be interested in eating with him. 

Keonhee’s thoughts were cut short as the butler and his nanny (though he no longer needed one, he had a hard time letting her go, as she really did have a place in his heart for raising him) entered the family room. Keonhee grew surprised, as nanny's shoulders were softly shaking. It was obvious something had happened to upset the woman. He’d never seen her break under pressure before, even when his father would scold her over the phone for ‘poor services’ he’d never even cared to witness himself. 

Keonhee tried to read the butler’s expression to figure out why his nanny would be sobbing so much, but couldn’t pinpoint what it could possibly be. The fact he’s never seen his nanny cry before, couldn’t help but fill his mind with wonder and concern of what it could be. He began to panic, standing up at a great speed, “Did he fire you?!” Keonhee blurted out. It was the only explanation he could come up with. It was something he wouldn’t put past his cruel parents to do, but had hoped he was wrong. Keonhee watched as his nanny’s shoulders shook heavily as a sob escaped her lips. “Keonhee, I’m so sorry…” She trailed off. She threw herself into Keonhee’s arms, pulling him into a tight motherly hug. Keonhee eyed the butler over his nanny’s shoulder, as to ask ‘What’s going on?’. The butler sighed, as if he almost didn’t want to give the news. 

“Master’s father has passed away in his sleep through the night. Deepest condolences...” 

Keonhee felt his legs give out, his knees hitting the floor with a painful thud as he came to process what the older man had told him. His nanny didn’t loosen her grip as she followed his body to the floor, enveloping him with her entire body in a bear hug as if she were protecting him from the news. Keonhee felt his cheeks become wet as tears hit his cheekbones, softly sliding down his smooth skin to the corners of his naturally upturned lips, which felt a bit melancholy in the given situation. Keonhee couldn’t utter a word as he involuntarily let a sob past his lips, burying his face into the shoulder of his nanny. He knew the day would come eventually, he knew Pa wouldn’t live forever, but he had no idea the pain he’d feel when today had finally come. He felt his chest thump in a mixture of anxiety and sadness, though he was unsure of why he’d feel anxious in this situation. The anxiety should’ve come before the passing, not after. At least that’s what Keonhee had understood from the notion of anxiety.

It was night by the time Keonhee made his way up to his room, stripping off his tear and snot soaked shirt before plopping himself depressingly onto his cold, empty feeling of a bed. The lights were off as he laid, staring at the ceiling of his room. The glow-in-the-dark stars he and Pa had put up after his tenth birthday glowed above. When Keonhee’s eyes met the neon glowing moon that was stuck to his ceiling, he felt another wave of tears slip past his lower lashline and travel down his cheek. When the salty taste finally hit his lips, he let the sobs come after. He cried without abandon in the dark room, the glow-in-the-dark moon continuing to glow above him on one of the loneliest, heart-wrenching nights he had ever experienced. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Keonhee groggily opened his eyes as the sound of a soft but sturdy knock against the mahogany door to his bedroom, the echo of the knock traveling throughout his room. “Young Master Keonhee, it’s nearly four in the evening. The Masters will arrive in an hour for dinner.” The butler's voice muffled through the door. Keonhee groggily looked at the clock by his bedside, he wasn’t allowed a phone by his parents--for whatever controlling excuse they gave, so he had many clocks throughout the home to help himself keep his perception of time intact. It really was quarter to four in the evening, Keonhee had slept almost sixteen hours. When Keonhee remembered why, his mood hit ground level. Pa was gone, and he was forced to see his parents in an odd timing of events. 

Anxiety overcame Keonhee as he walked down the granite stairs, the very stairs that marked the beginning of his journey with Pa, a journey that spanned eleven years and over half of Keonhee’s life. The pristine look of the steps contrasted his very messy jumble of thoughts. Would his parents bring up Pa to Keonhee? So soon? Keonhee was anxious about what conversations could come up during this sudden dinner. 

Keonhee entered the dining hall to see his parents sitting at the table. Keonhee felt strange. His mother looked older than the last he had seen her, grey hairs peeked their way out of her professionally styled hair. Her neck was adorned by an expensive diamond piece as she was dressed in a just as expensive gown. His father looked stressed and worn, he had almost as many wrinkles as Pa had the last time Keonhee saw him, but the difference was that his father’s weren’t welcoming. Instead they looked intimidating, uninviting. Keonhee felt under dressed in his black slacks and baby blue button up, half tucked into the waistline of his trousers. His nanny had picked out his outfit, and she had normally done an outstanding job at it; right now he felt out of place and as if he didn't belong at the seemingly  _ formal  _ event.

“Keonhee, have a seat.” Keonhee took a seat on his mother's side of the table, warily looking at his father's face. He couldn’t tell what mood his father was in, but seeing how stressed his father looked was enough for Keonhee to tread lightly under his father’s seemingly intensifying stare. His father cleared his throat, “We understand we’ve raised you here quietly the past few years…” Keonhee didn’t like that it sounded as if his parents took credit for his upbringing. He knew they had provided him his livelihood, but to say they had really taught him much of anything to ‘raise’ him, was a far stretch. 

His father continued, “But we think it’s the right time to begin the process of training you to take over the company.” Keonhee felt his hand tighten on the edge of the expensively polished thick wooden table. He began to grow increasingly angry. He wasn’t sure if it was because of his hormonal teenage years finally reaching his temper, if it was because of the news of Pa he had only just received, or even if it could be because of how his mother sat softly humming happily to herself beside him as if Keonhee’s last twenty-four hours havent been the worst of his life; Keonhee was pissed off to say the least. “We want to finally announce you to the public. We plan to have you be included in an interview for the tabloid next week. Once the world knows about you, it’ll be a hot topic for a while.” Keonhee grew angrier hearing this. 

Keonhee had always assumed his parents older lifestyle was what stopped him from owning a phone, from at least having an internet presence. But as it turns out, he didn’t even exist to the world. All the times he was told to never utter anything about his parents being the CEO and biggest shareholder to ONEUS Corps. The largest company within Seoul, he assumed it was to save himself from being mauled by the press, not because they didn’t even know he  _ existed  _ at all. 

“We can finally be a family!” Keonhee’s mother spoke up from beside him. Keonhee cringed at the perkiness of her voice, neither of them seemed to have  _ any  _ doubts about this situation. He had had enough.

Keonhee quickly stood up from his seat, his mother gasped in surprise beside him. Keonhee looked to his father just in time to see his face harden in obvious anger. His father wasn’t happy to see the sign of resistance from Keonhee. 

Keonhee scoffed, he decided he didn’t want to give them a piece of his mind. Besides, It was far too messy in this moment for even himself to fully comprehend just what he was thinking as he walked out of the dining hall, past the confused staff of the home, and made his way to the front door. He heard the voices of his parents, his butler, and his nanny call for him as he walked away from the estate, out of the heavy double doors leading to the long driveway. He decided to begin sprinting along the driveway before anybody could apprehend him. He didn’t know where he was going, but he knew he just had to  _ go _ .

Soon enough, Keonhee began to see familiar things. It had been a few hours of him mindlessly walking before it dawned on him just where his tired legs had brought him. He walked along the city street. He had never been this close to the shops before. He had only seen them from the inside of a dimly tinted window of a luxury vehicle. Keonhee was walking along the route to Han River. It made sense in retrospect, it was the one route he took a few times a week for the past eight years. For eight years he sat in the car as he drove with Pa past these shops. Watching as the shop owners came and went, shops were closed and opened, and entire buildings were remodeled. He wondered if one day he’d take the time to visit them all. Would it be weird? No. Pa even took him on to the challenge, saying that when Keonhee became an adult they’d visit all the shops, even the bars, and enjoy themselves. Keonhee didn’t know what a bar was at the time, but he knew that Pa was particularly fond of them.

All too soon though, Keonhee was deeply reminded that Pa was gone, and that just only yesterday had the abrupt news come. As Keonhee finally approached Han River, his legs giving out as he sat on the old bench that he once shared with Pa. He had been walking for hours and his chopstick thin legs were never used to the exercise.

His mind went blank when he finally calmed his breathing from the nearly three hour walk. His legs ached and the sunset had long since set, the moon waning in the night sky. Keonhee felt his eyes brim with tears. It was only yesterday that Pa and himself were meant to be seated in this very spot. But here he sat alone. The loneliness hit Keonhee hard, harder than it ever had when he sat in the dim and dark estate he had grown up in. Keonhee looked through his blurry tears to the moon in the sky. 

_ “If you come here at night after a long day, you’ll feel better because the moon is here. You can see it really well here. Its less lonely than seeing it in the mountain, and it’s not as stifling of a silence either,” Pa said from beside Keonhee as they sat on the bench along the Han River waterfront, staring into the night sky. Keonhee turned to look at Pa, “What do you mean? The moon can’t talk. It can’t tell you to cheer up.” Pa chuckled at the adolescent boy. “It won’t tell you anything, but it’s the one thing that never leaves. To us, it looks like it’s fighting a lonely battle, chasing the sun for eternity, but in reality the moon is stronger than the sun.” Keonhee cocked his head in confusion; the sun warms the planet and allows plants to grow, without it they’d all freeze to death, how can anything be more important than the sun? Pa seemed to sense Keonhee’s apprehensive thoughts, “Now listen here Keonhee, just because the moon isn’t as bright as the sun, does not make it any less important. The moon is the only thing that can still shine in nothingness. It rises every night, protecting us from the sight of nothingness, it protects us from that reality. It reminds us that we are never really alone.” Pa smiled softly to himself. “In my ten years of traveling, nothing has ever thrilled me as much as the moon.” Keonhee turned to look at the moon, still confused. “I know you’re confused now, because you’re still young. But one day you’ll come to realize, the moon will always follow you. Even after death, it’ll never part. As long as you remain on this Earth, the moon will shine for you.” _

Pa’s voice echoed within Keonhee’s memories as he cried. He wonders if Pa was resting peacefully knowing the moon indeed is still shining on him, even when he’s gone. Maybe Pa even evaporated to become a man of the moon, as childish as it sounded, it brought a ghost of a smile to Keonhee’s lips. He understood Pa’s love for the moon as it shined above Keonhee, comforting him as he mourned. His past few days were the worst he’d ever experienced and now that he’s essentially ran away from home, he didn’t know where to go from here. Maybe he’d never return home. After all, he never really existed to the world anyways. He wasn’t sure his parents would even report the incident, they’d surely value their career status more than ‘personal affairs’ as they’d call it.

  
Even though he sat alone under the stars of the night sky, wondering just where his life may end up now; Keonhee began to accept the loneliness he felt. Besides, no matter how alone he feels at this moment, _ the moon will always follow Keonhee. _


End file.
